Why is reducing, suppressing, degrading, stealing, etc. so prevalent in academia and in music?! This is something that I’ll be considering very deeply this coming week as I attend the Center for Mind-Body Medicine‘s week-long training as a faculty member at UNLV. I’m not sure I’m looking forward to it… looks like a lot of meditating and talking about feelings and stuff that I really SUCK at. But I know from my entrepreneurial enterprises that being pushed “out of the comfort” zone is crucial for success… so I offer myself as tribute.
In several Facebook groups, Saturday is “Self-Promotion Saturday.” Ick. I really stuggle. Not that I’m looking at the people who post and go… “ick.” No. I just have a hard time doing it myself. Because of baggage and pride and crushed feelings. For instance, what I’d love to post somewhere is…
I’d like to thank my friends and colleagues who have been with me during my evidence-based singing journey. This is literally borne from my near-death experiences with pregnancy loss in 2007. Thanks to my sisters at the International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN) I began to learn about the lack of evidence-based care in maternal-fetal medicine and realized that I had been mistreated by the “system.” I further began to understand why certain OBs were suggesting fertility meds (OMG, I naturally conceived twins when I figured out what was going wrong) and others were open to supplementing my burgeoning pregnancy with progesterone. Not all doctors ascribe to the same research and guiding philosophies with regard to patient care and treatment.
I began to pull my personal experience with maternal-fetal medicine into my professional field of classical singing and teaching. I realized that part of our problem in this field is the hierarchy that continues to dominate our field – that of master, apprentice. I do still believe in this model for specific situations, but generally speaking, more progress is done in voice lessons, for example, with a collaborative approach – the student’s goals and desires, the teacher’s expertise, and references to or incorporations of voice science research and research from related fields. I put together an application of the evidence-based medical model to singing and presented it in 2013 for the NCVS Singer’s Workshop. I was a HIT! I enjoyed 15 minutes of localized fame and was approached to write an article.
I wrote the article. I agonized over the article. I realized that I had a huge responsibility with regard to presenting this model to the field. I submitted the article. I received disappointing feedback. I didn’t react personally when the associate editor asked me to depersonalize my work. I reacted personally to a lot of other things, especially the editor rescinding their offer to host my article and telling me that I could go through the normal review process for the journal (oh, but they’re on that board as well). Good luck. Bye. I gave the middle finger to that whole thing because I’m proud and because my performance career was still so active that I didn’t need to write stupid articles. Sheesh. Go stick it where the sun don’t shine!!!!
In a blink of an eye, I found myself in a new position and on the tenure track again. My new institution is more excited about STEM and STEAM research & writing because they’re shooting for R1 status. Ok, great!!! I’m invited to an event in my field sponsored by the person who totally ripped my soul apart and rejected my writing. Ok, I’ve got this – I need to be there. A few days before the gathering I see that the sponsor has invited their friend to present… “my” … work. I was stunned. What’s more is that no one stood up for me. NO. ONE. Many people were complicit in the (at least) accidental slighting or misappropriation of credit or acknowledgment. You will NOT see my initial presentation nor my subsequent poster presentations for national conferences in anyone’s notes. Ain’t gonna happen.
This is a vicious field. It’s so unfortunate, so unnecessary, and so scarcity-based. Although I casually stated to the person who has been allowed the fame for presenting this model for my field that I had begun studying it several years prior, no acknowledgment has been given. That was a territorial, scarcity response. I’m not the first person to experience this nor the last. I just hope that I will continue to be the mentor and colleague that people turn to when injustices in the field happen. I won’t just say I’m mad for them. I won’t just say that they should do something about it. I will (and do) actively advocate for them.
I’ve always been a person of faith. My faith has been fervent; my faith has been lacking. When I was auditioning for young artist programs (YAPs), I had such a hard time with rejection. And when I was at the top tier programs, I struggled with other types of rejection. However, at that time I believed that God had a bigger plan, and when I was at Santa Fe Opera, I know that the Guadalupe Virgin was watching over me. That was more than 15 years ago. I had multiple pregnancy losses after my first child was born; I prayed and prayed for more children. God gave me twins and then a surprise 4th child. Along the way I’ve prayed and ranted about the injustices in my field, and now God has answered yet again. His path is not straightforward and easy – no, that is not my destiny.
I dare not peep too loudly about what’s ahead, but I feel like this research area brings it all full circle – singing, the evidence-based medical model, equity & inclusion, and social justice. I am thrilled. And terrified. Mostly terrified. No, mostly thrilled. And I think this is yet another answered prayer. Perhaps after now 25 years of pursuing music as a career, I have my path. Perhaps now I can settle in and do the work.
I am forever grateful (not that I’m not still angry or resentful or hurt or experiencing any other intense human emotion surrounding my past experience) for where I am at this moment. I am exhausted and spent. I am terrified and excited. I am overwhelmed and uncertain. Yet, I know this is the path that I am destined to travel, and I know that Mary and God are with me, as are many friends, colleagues, students, and family members. I should focus on those gifts.
Talk to me… does any of this resonate? I’d love to hear from you.
Evidence Informed singing 